


Vanquish

by alyjude_sideburns



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: Angst, Episode Related, M/M, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-30
Updated: 2014-01-30
Packaged: 2018-01-09 23:43:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152236
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alyjude_sideburns/pseuds/alyjude_sideburns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post SenToo. Although he's going to Rainier every day, Blair can't face walking past the fountain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Vanquish

 

**Vanquish by Alyjude**

 

Fuck.

It wasn't going to work. Again.

He couldn't do it. Again.

Blair put the Volvo into reverse, backed out of the parking space and pointed the car towards the back road that led to the overflow parking lot at the rear of the campus.

The fifth day in a row, and he still couldn't do something as simple as enter Hargrove Hall from the front because he'd have to pass the fountain. _The_ fountain.

Every morning back at Rainier had started the same; He'd pull into his usual parking space, turn off the ignition, gather his books, look at the short, tree lined path that would take him to Hargrove Hall... and the fountain. The bile would rise to the back of his throat and he'd drop his books back down onto the seat, shove the key back into the ignition and get the hell out of there as fast as his trusty Volvo would take him.

He simply couldn't get to his office that way. He just couldn't pass the fountain.

It was stupid, he told himself. Cowardly. Childish. But that didn't change the facts. He still couldn't do it.

Angry and depressed, Blair parked in the spot that was fast becoming his "usual", grabbed his books and began the almost-mile-long hike to the back of Hargrove Hall. To his office.

His office.

Ha! Another problem. It wasn't just the fountain. He was also having difficulty in his office. He could _go_ in... he just couldn't _stay_ in. And the closer he got? The slower his legs moved, the faster his breathing became and the sweat would literally flow down the long yellow streak that he called his spine. But hey, at least he _could_ go to his office. He could walk into it.

He finally reached his door, put out a shaking hand and after three tries he got the key turned and the door open. He hit the lights; keeping his eyes focused straight ahead, he dropped his books on the desk, his bookbag on the chair and looked out the window. The rear of the building; a safe view. His lips moved in a silent prayer, a prayer that today would be the day. The day he wouldn't see Alex, wouldn't hear her, the day he wouldn't be crippled by his memories.

But it wasn't.

Of course, none of this would have been so bad if he'd had someone to share, to confide in...but he didn't. This was his. His to shoulder. His burden. His fear to vanquish. Besides, who would he tell? Jim? Oh, yeah, he could hear that conversation now...

_"Hey, Jim - guess what? I can't walk past the fountain. What fountain, you ask? Oh, you know, the fountain Alex dumped me in to die. Yeah, that fountain. And by the way? I can't sit in my office for more than 20-30 minutes either. Why? Oh, I don't know. Maybe because it's where I started to betray you? Maybe because it's where I stayed, waiting for you, hoping you'd show up and forgive me? Or maybe it's because you didn't come but **she** did... and maybe it's because when she pointed the gun at me I knew I was going to die? That... I didn't care if I did. What? You think I'm crazy? Yeah, me too, Jim, me too."_

Yeah, that would go over real well. But it was a conversation that wouldn't happen now anyway. Blair was out of Jim's life. Since coming home. Since arriving at the airport and Jim taking Blair to the loft as if nothing had happened.

And since Blair had walked into the loft and couldn't help but notice that Jim had put everything back... everything except Blair's things. All the boxes, all his furniture, all remained downstairs in storage.

Blair had stood there, in the middle of the place he'd called home for almost three years, and had known Jim still didn't want him there. So he'd turned around and left. And Jim hadn't even tried to stop him.

Now, ten days later, he was living in a flea bitten motel, away from Jim, trying to come to grips with everything that had happened. And failing miserably.

Blair let his gaze roam the office, but every item, every surface, was tainted by his betrayal. God, it wasn't even twenty minutes today, but he had to get out - now. He grabbed his work, his laptop and hurried out - out to the grass, the open air, out where it was safe, to the big elm that was now like a second office.

Thank god it hadn't rained. He wasn't sure what he would do, where he would go, when it rained.

Once settled under the protection of the giant tree, he opened his laptop and started to work, but his thoughts kept interrupting... thoughts like; if he could just go back, undo some of the havoc he'd created. Fix things. Tell Jim right away about Alex, tell him even when Jim pushed him away... or better still? Back to the fountain, when Jim came after him. He could simply refuse to come back. Hell, not coming back was certainly preferable to watching Jim and Alex together. To watching Jim risk his career and his life for her.

_Had_ it been some Sentinel Mating Imperative? Yes. But it shouldn't have been Sentinel to Sentinel. The imperative was for Sentinel and Guide. After all, what were the odds of two sentinels meeting and not being enemies? Zero. A sentinel protects the tribe, and that included protecting it from other tribes. And by extension, other sentinels. And Alex and Jim were enemies, not meant to mate. So what had happened? Simple. Jim had transferred the imperative from Blair to Alex. He'd told Blair as much in the hospital.

_Chief, I don't know if I'm ready to take that trip with you._

"With you". With Blair.

Could he have been any clearer? Jim knew as well as Blair exactly what had happened at the fountain. And Jim had made it crystal clear that there would be no journey together for them. That the detective was refusing the bond.

Unfortunately, that refusal hadn't protected Blair. He had experienced everything Jim had. The urges, the visions... He'd seen the two of them on the beach, the beach that was Sierra Verde - arms and limbs entwined, hearts beating as one, their coupling hard and urgent and soft and gentle, words of completion, oaths shared... and he'd rushed to Jim's side, on that same beach, the beach of his visions and found Jim... in Alex's arms. And his dreams ended, smashed, and he'd had to accept the devastating knowledge that it was his hand, his betrayal, that had smashed everything.

But where did that leave him now? He'd given up his life and his soul for his sentinel. There was nothing to fill the void. And man, it was a cold business, being without a soul. How was Jim handling it? Was he this cold? Did he know why? Did he not realize that... Sentinel fills guide, Guide fills sentinel. Easy equation. Each replacing the surrendered soul, each protecting the life sacrificed.

And when something goes wrong? When the Guide betrays the Sentinel and the Sentinel refuses the Guide? What then? But he knew that answer.

The Guide dies.

And that was exactly what was happening. Blair was dying. He knew it. Just a matter of time. His life had been forfeit. Yes, Jim had brought him back but now refused him, so Blair would die. Again. He could accept that. Life without Jim was death anyway.

But he'd be dammed if he'd accept death and not face that fucking fountain!

Blair closed his laptop, pushed everything into his pack, got to his rather shaky feet, looked across the wide expanse of lawn in the direction of the fountain that from here was hidden - just - by the building.

The fountain.

He would face it today.

Slinging his pack onto one shoulder, he began the walk, feeling much the way a condemned criminal must feel as he took his final walk...

The closer he got to his nemesis, the heavier his legs. His breathing started coming in short pants, his heart hammering in his chest; he was certain that implosion was imminent. The sweat trickled down the side of his face and into his eyes...

_I can do this. It's just cement and water. I can do this._

He was at the side of Hargrove Hall now. A few more steps, around the corner, and it would be in view. But he froze.

Students moved hurriedly around his body as they scurried from one class to another, some brushing by him, others bumping into him, murmuring vague apologies, but no one really noticed him.

No one really saw the man in faded blue jeans and blue and white flannel shirt, hair pulled back and tied, wire-rimmed glasses perched on his nose but sliding down a little due to the fine sheen of sweat covering his face, eyes wide, pupils dilated, mouth open slightly, trying desperately to take in air...

Blair forced his feet forward, took another step, rounded the corner... and there it was.

He was surprised.

The fountain looked the same. It was completely unchanged.

Shouldn't it look different? A man had died in its icy waters. Shouldn't it be marked somehow?

He focused on the cement rim around the pool. He could see where his left knee had rested as he'd struggled sluggishly to avoid the water.

*****

_Her hand pressed hard against the back of his head, her other arm holding his right wrist, twisting it sharply behind him, her knee pressed firmly into his lower back, pushing, straining, believing that once she'd clipped him on the side of his head with the butt of her gun, that it would be easy - that he'd be easy to kill. She'd seen the defeat in his eyes, the acceptance - so she was surprised when he fought. **He** was surprised - but fight he did._

_His vision blurring as he struggled, then his head went under, and he held his breath. He could feel her knee digging in as he tried to grab the arm holding his head... He could envision how it must have looked, his free arm flailing wildly, missing her arm, plunging into the water, hand connecting with the shallow bottom, pushing now... pushing up, turning his head, getting a brief gulp of wonderful air... His head reeling as her body shifted to compensate, to remove his anchor, his hand, her other knee coming up and to the right, pushing against his back, while her right leg now swung out and connected with his elbow, dislodging his hand from the bottom, the momentum throwing his body forward, deeper into the cold water... His head striking the bottom, the pain... and her entire body weight bearing down, fingers wrapped in his hair, pushing relentlessly, his breath finally expelled in a painful exhale, his mouth opening, the inhale he couldn't avoid... Water rushing in... Swallowing, again and again, the pain in his chest unbearable, an endless burning, searing pain... The knowledge that he was going to die... No one to save him, no last minute rescue... and the most unbearable pain he'd ever experienced as his lungs filled with water and his heartbeat thundered in his head..._

_And Jim's face. His voice. Jim's last words to him, words echoing louder than the sound of his own heart, louder than the sound of oxygen starved lungs straining for air, louder than the sounds of all of his systems shutting down, one by one, and finally louder than his own desire to live. His arm went lax, his knee finally gave in... Jim's voice and face faded as death claimed him._

*****

Blair's whole body shuddered as it experienced his death again. He wanted to close his eyes, to turn and run, but he was rooted to the spot, unable to look away as the life of Rainier swirled around him, his whole being focused on the scene of his death. His murder. His... suicide.

He could see Alex standing there, still holding what was now his empty body. Dawn was casting a golden glow over his grave as she finally let go, giving his body a satisfied shove as he floated face down, jacket billowing up, filling with the very air he'd been denied.

Blair saw the blonde head tilt to the side and he knew she was hearing sirens that were still miles away. She gave the shell that was his body one last look and then ran.

The stillness of his death site was broken by sirens, screeching brakes, car doors slamming, running feet... Blair could see Jim, first up the stairs leading into Hargrove Hall, stopping suddenly, somehow sensing that what he was looking for was behind him. He turned, spotted the body and rushed toward the fountain.

Blair concentrated on Jim's face, his words, as he watched the useless efforts to save him... and when everyone gave up, he saw the glow that surrounded him, saw Jim go back down onto his knees beside the still body, hands moving lovingly over the face... Blair could see the tears the others couldn't... could see the love... the hands caressing with love, in love...

_He loves me._

Without conscious thought, Blair's legs began to move, taking him closer to the fountain.

*****

The campus was quieter now, classes in session, a few late students still rushing to get to their classes, but Blair saw none of it as he got closer still...

A voice whispering in his mind, _"Listen... "_ Blair cocked his head, strained his hearing... then relaxed as he realized he need only open his heart to hear...

*****

_He was running throughy a beautiful forest that had clear, clean air, that was filled with the scent of freedom... But a voice stopped him._

_"Blair, please... wait."_

_Blair? Who was Blair? Oh - **He** was Blair - no; he used to be Blair. Now Blair was gone and he was free..._

_"Blair? Look at me."_

_The wolf looked behind him. On a crag stood the most majestic panther he'd ever seen. The wolf felt a tingling in his tail... His whiskers twitched... He sniffed the air above his head..._

_"Come back. Please."_

_Too late. He turned to leave._

_"Please... "_

_Mate. His mate? Behind him? Not in front? The wolf turned back and trotted over to the edge of his world... sniffed again. Yes, his mate._

_Go back? How?_

_"Jump, Blair. I'll meet you in the middle - don't be afraid."_

_Afraid? No way. If he had to jump the Grand Canyon in a single bound to get to his mate, he would. Whatever it took._

_Both animals leaped..._

_Their bodies merged in mid-air, and as they became one, their orgasms filling them, a name came unbidden to the wolf's mind... Jim._

_Then pain... lights... cold, wet grass... voices..._

*****

Blair blinked, his world coming back into focus, and he found himself standing next to the fountain. He felt so cold... It was seeping in again, trying to claim him... to take him back.

He shook himself. No. Not cold. Warmth, he wanted warmth - the warmth of the panther and wolf merging, wanted to feel that love again, that possession, the safety and strength that came with the merging of two people destined for one another...

How could Jim ignore it? Blair now knew that Jim loved him. He'd felt it - felt Jim's love. So why turn away? Why let him go? Was his betrayal so irreversable? So unforgivable?

He stared down at the water, as if the answer could be found floating in its shallow ripples...

The voice came again. _"Look..."_ and once again he let his heart see... and the water drew him closer still.

He looked down into the clear liquid, seeing no bottom where there should be one; seeing instead Jim's face looking back up at him from the chamber pool of the Temple of the Sentinels. Blair saw what Jim had seen; the violence, the death... Jim crying out Incacha's name, the visions changing... and Jim's final scream, "This is not me!"

And with the vision came clarity and understanding. Jim had refused Blair, had denied their connection, to protect him. To protect the guide. Fear overruled destiny. Fear for the guide. Jim didn't understand, but Blair did. Now.

The air around the man settled. The fountain was once again just a fountain. It held no power, it was an inanimate object, couldn't hurt him. it was just... there.

Blair squinted against the fragmented sunlight bouncing off the water, then opened his eyes wide, taking in his surroundings - the beauty of the campus, the vibrant colors that enveloped him, and for a moment he experienced life as his sentinel did. The very air around him caressed him, like a lover's finger brushing his skin, tantalizing him. Every sound was clear, pure and energized.

There were only a few people around now, but he could hear the sound of feet crunching gravel underfoot, the various voices, so different in timbre, depth and inflection, and the colors around him... vibrant, shaded, strong strokes blending with gentle pastels, the simplicity of a blade of grass. He could spend a lifetime counting each shade of green in the simplest leaf... and the sky - he'd no idea of the intricate shadings from the palest almost-not-there blue to the deepest azure. Was this how the world looked to Jim?

He took a deep, cleansing breath and with the breath came a truth.

Home.

He would go home. To Jim.

*****

Blair pulled up in front of his home. His home. Jim's truck was parked in its usual place which, considering it was 11:45 on a Wednesday, was highly unusual. Jim should be at the station.

He took the elevator up to the third floor, got out and turned left as he'd done so many times before.

He stood in front of 307. Should he knock or use his key?

He used his key. It _was_ his home.

The door swung open.

The cold hit him first. Then the smell. It had been only ten days, but it smelled old, musty... almost unused. He stepped in further, letting his duffel bag drop to the floor.

Was Jim gone?

Blair was shivering now, ice cold. He walked over to the thermostat with the intention of turning it on and up when a voice stopped him. "It's on. Set for 85."

Blair looked up.

Jim stood at the railing of his bedroom, gazing down at the younger man. He was wearing jeans and his old bathrobe, his feet covered with a pair of white socks. His hair was mussed, he was unshaven and even from where Blair stood, he could see the bloodshot eyes.

From Jim's viewpoint, the vision wasn't much better. Blair was thin, too pale and the dark circles under his eyes could rival the depth of the Marianna Trench.

Jim started down the stairs. "What are you doing here, Sandburg?" The voice held no real interest.

"This is my home."

"I might have something to say about that."

"No. No, you don't."

Jim was at the bottom now and just stood there, staring at Blair, one eyebrow lifted, his head cocked.

"Hey, Jim, when was the last time you were at the station?"

The question surprised the detective.

"Six days ago."

"Your senses?"

"No. They're gone. Banks put me on leave... medical leave."

Banks. Not Simon. Banks. Not good.

"Well, it's your own fault. You and your fear-based decisions. Shit. Wonder why it's so cold in here?" But he knew. "Because you're cold. It's inside you, man, like it's inside me."

Blair took a couple of steps closer to Jim.

"I know now I should never have left, but you used my insecurities, see? And you didn't even know it. Naturally I really believed you wanted me gone, that you hated me, couldn't forgive me. I'm always so afraid. Fear is my life too. That's why I understand it in you. I'm always afraid I'll fail you. Not be there when you need me - or, god forbid, try to help, fail and you die. Sounds familiar? And of course, we both know what an asshole I am - difficult to live with, impossible really. Naturally I believed you'd be better off without me, anyone would be."

He was rambling. Nothing was coming out right, the way he wanted. He took two more steps toward the larger man. Two more steps closer to warmth, to safety, to his arms wrapped around Jim... to holding and being held.

"I'm not making much sense here, am I? But I've had this little problem and today I solved it. I was having difficulty getting to my office. Weird, uh? Couldn't walk past the fountain. But see, I'd decided that as long as I was going to die, why not kick that fountain in the butt, you know?"

Jim reacted to that, violently. _"WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DIDN'T GO THROUGH ALL THIS SO YOU COULD FUCKING DIE."_ He was in front of the smaller man in one stride, hands clutching Blair's arms.

"But Jim, that's what happens when you deny the guide. You brought me back, we became one, we bonded, then you denied the bond. What did you think would happen? Why do you think it's so cold in here? The cold is in you. The cold is in me. Because we're not together. Tell me something, Jim. If I'd stayed dead, would anything be worse than it is now? Would the loft be any colder? Would you be any colder? Would your senses be any less gone?"

Jim's hands dropped from Blair's arms, his head drooping. "Yes. If you were dead, I'd be dead now too."

"So you're dying slowly instead? Jim, letting me go does not ensure my safety... or a happy life for me. There is no such thing if I'm not with you. And yes, I know that's why you did it. I saw everything today. I saw and experienced my death again, you coming for me, the love you have for me - and I saw you in the chamber pool, I saw your visions, I saw you pleading with Incacha. I saw it all. Jim, you can shut off being a sentinel, remember? _'A sentinel will always be a sentinel as long as he chooses to be.'_ But I can't shut off being a guide. I don't have the choice. So I'm dying - will die - without you. Dammit, look at me, Jim."

The head lifted, pain-filled eyes gazing at the guide, seeing death hovering, waiting, saw it in the pale face, the dry skin, the feverish eyes, the limp hair...

"Oh, God, Blair. I didn't know, didn't realize. I believed I was protecting you. All I saw was your death, over and over again - fires, explosions... "

"But Jim, you saw something else too, didn't you? You saw _us_ , a light, a ring, protecting me. That ring was you. Don't you see? Without the sentinel, the guide will perish. But even if I weren't your guide, and you were not my sentinel, it would be the truth. I have no life if James Ellison is not in it."

And Blair Sandburg prayed. Prayed Jim would see. And his prayers were answered.

"Blair, forgive me? I didn't know. I should have. But... seeing your body in that fountain, pulling you out... Not hearing that strong, stubborn heart beating, your face so still I couldn't bear it. Don't you understand?"

"Yes. I understand. But you - brought - me - back, the power of _us_ brought me back. We have that power, Jim - together. God, I'm so cold. Please? Shit, I'm always so cold anyway, you can imagine how I feel right now. Please, can I come home?"

"You are home."

Blair smiled, reached out and pulled both of Jim's arms forward, wrapping them around his own waist. "No. Now I'm home."

And then he wrapped his sentinel in his arms, pulling the tired head down onto his shoulder and resting his against Jim's, their bodies melding together and he whispered into the sensitive ear, "And now you're home."

Warmth and light entered the loft once again.

 

finis

 

  
**Disclaimer:** All characters from **The Sentinel** are the property of Pet Fly Productions, Danny Bilson and Paul DeMeo. Characters from any other television show, movie or book are the property of their respective owners. The original characters and plot are the property of the author. No money is being made from this work. We believe the works contained in this archive to be transformative in nature and therefore protected under the 'fair use' provisions of copyright law.

This story archived at <http://asr3.slashzone.org/archive/viewstory.php?sid=1263>


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